Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A feel-good email I can get behind

Dang. If all the warm-fuzzy smarmy pink feel-good emails from [distant lady relative whoever] or [syrupy evangelical email pal X] were of this stripe, my hubby would spend a lot less time replacing computer monitors with bullet holes in them.

None of that 'Sis'-sy Stuff
Are you tired of those
sissy 'friendship' poems
that always sound good,
but never actually come close
to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises

that actually speak of

True Friendship.

1. When you are sad,
I will jump on the person
who made you sad
like a spider monkey
jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

2. When you are blue,
I will try to dislodge
whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile,
I will know you are
plotting something
that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared,
we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried,
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse
it could be until you
quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused,
I will use little words.

7. When you are sick,
Stay away from me
until you are well again.
I don't want whatever you have...

8. When you fall,
I'll pick you up
and dust you off--
After I laugh my rear off!!

9. This is my oath...
I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask;
-- because you are my FRIEND!

Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it,
but only YOU
can feel the
true warmth.


Try sending this to
of your closest friends ..
including the person
who sent this to you ...

Then, get depressed
'cause you can only think of

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


We have a duty to share the Gospel.
My hubby has a duty to keep annoying people the heck away from me.
Why not kill two birds with one stone?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

I don't want any part of it.

I had my fill of melodramatic stories of popular icons, after reading the Howard Hughes biography. So forgive me if I pass on the next decade's worth of MJ's heirs suing each other, book deals from those who knew him best, fictionalized bios, unauthorized bios, authorized bios, "where are they now" stories of his neverland kids, and social commentary from every angle wrapped up as a story about MJ. (Yes, I realize this post is an example of that last one. Bite me.)

I guess I should be glad that MJ will steal some of Elvis' thunder in the sightings and cheap artwork departments. But his litigious heirs and designates have a hundred years of learning on how to cash in, so we're gonna get re-deluged with MJ pink flannel nightwear, tacky battery powered dancing Santas who shake their booties to Billie Jean, counter-culture anti-MJ comic books, and Thriller brand Haloween makeup. Drop the Grace and add the Never - heck, it better fits the worldview anyway. I do not intend to partake.

At least there were evil conspiring Mormons in the Hughes bio.

Friday, June 12, 2009

The crush of urban sprawl

I hate it. The world is just too full of people. And every year that marches by, I have to see more and more of them.

So, this was the view out our back door when we moved here a few years ago:

This was the view last week, after a few years of city folk coming in and paving everything in sight:

We're moving.


Monday, June 1, 2009

Yay! Free cars!

I thought it was real nice, GM becoming more diverse and culturally inclusive by making a Kenyan their CEO. I didn't know Kenya knew anything about making cars, but apparently this guy has studied abroad, or something. Anyway, he ought to be open to ideas on what kind of cars to make, so here goes:

* Since GM has an Enterprise Value of 43 billion, and carries 54 billion in debt, our little family's share of ownership is roughly 700 bucks in the hole. Therefore, whatever car they end up foisting on us, should come with a $700 check just to make it a square deal.

* The new car should come with it's own federal legislation making it illegal to operate if you are not armed. That way, there'll be less people in my way as I haul the rugrats from activity to activity.

* It should come in pink.

* It should run on change.


Thursday, May 14, 2009

Queen of the Doomer meme

Some folks like to talk about EMP bursts, pandemic quarantines, economic collapses, global famine, food rioters, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, relatives coming to visit, civil war, or any other natural or manmade disaster that results in the rapid and massive breakdown of social order. Call 'em SHTF scenarios or TEOTWAWKI or whatever you want, they're all the same as a Zombie uprising to me. Just another dang reason for people to show up on my doorstep and annoy me.

Look people, I don't care if you're on fire. I don't care if Obama won a 2nd term and half the states are seceding and the other half are declaring martial law. I realize that you don't get forcibly relocated to a FEMA camp every day, but why do you feel the need to come whine at me about it?

Top 10 responses to "Oh, if something bad happens, I'll just come to your house!"
10. Not without six months of your own supplies, you won't.

9. Yeah, your family means so little to you, I'll be sure to pick up your slack. Why don't you bring all your credit card debt while you're at it.

8. Sweet! We needed a decoy to walk the wire and be the first person shot!

7. Just be sure you show up with a ladder. Not sure how many corpses you'll have to climb over.

6. I may give you the shirt off my back, but try to take it, and I can only spare half a buck worth of subsonic copper hollow-points.

5. Hey, bring all the barter goods you want - I love to haggle. A roll of TP will get you past the dogs.

4. Be sure to bring some good boots, cuz you'll be up to your ankles in horse crap earning your keep.

3. Fine by me. I hear people taste like chicken.

2. Make sure you come early - the first five help me shoot the next fifty.

#1 is a tie:

1. "Don't do that, Mommy will just shoot you and make Daddy bury you in the backyard." (Are my kids great or what?)

1. "What, you thought I was gonna bunker down somewhere people can find me?" (Note found in my empty house)


Thursday, May 7, 2009

Video proof of neglect and educational negligence!

Here's the product of some random anonymous homeschool group. I don't know any of these people in person, but I sure as heck am one of them.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Yarn is cheaper than crack!

Ok, just to shut my hubbby up, I'll comment on this, just this one time.

Drug addiction signs from

Smell of substance on breath, body or clothes.
Currently, the bags of fiber are contained in the barn and processed in the basement. And since hubby doesn't have much of a sense of smell anyway, this one isn't much of an issue.

Needle marks or bruises on lower arm, legs or bottom of feet.
This is stupid. Yes, hubby keeps piercing his tootsies when walking around the house in his socks. But that's because we don't clean, not because I'm addicted to yarn.

Car accidents, fender benders, household accidents.
Shut up. It ain't my fault if people don't give me a wide berth after they see me knitting at the red light.

Changes in friends: new hang-outs, avoidance of old crowd, new friends are drug users.
Hah - I got this one beat. The new friends aren't knitters when I first meet them - it takes them a while to be trained.

Change in activities; loss of interest in things that were important before.
Hah - I win another one. I wouldn't be much of a knitter if I hadn't figured out how to knit:
At church, homeschool co-op, doctors offices, and while doing stuff on the computer.
At friend's houses, while playing games, in the line at the DMV, at movies.
While shopping, in the check out line, while cooking, while eating at home, while eating out.
In Airport shuttles and Taxis, moving airport walkways, planes, trains, a paddlewheel boat, the Zoo tram, and of course in cars (either as a driver or a passenger).

The activities haven't changed - just the experience enhanced.

Drop in school or work performance; skips or is late to school or work.
Got another one beat! Don't work outside the home, don't go to school.

Changes in habits at home; loss of interest in family and family activities.
If one never had much interest in one's hubby in the first place, one can hardly blame one for not increasing one's interest in one's hubby just because one has harkened to the sweet, sweet call of the yarn ball.

Difficulty in paying attention; forgetfulness.
(knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, kn-) What? Why am I sitting here at this computer typing crap? And where did my other yarn project go?

Lack of motivation, energy, self-esteem, discipline. Bored, "I don't care" attitude.
Meh. If I felt like getting up, I'd come over there and [falls asleep].

Violent temper or bizarre behavior.
Defensiveness, temper tantrums, resentful behavior (everything's a hassle).

Anyone who knows me, knows I never come within a mile of these unrefined issues.

Unexplained silliness or giddiness.
Unexplained moodiness, irritability, or nervousness.

Wait - is this a quiz about drugs, yarn, or bein' a chick?

Excessive need for privacy; keeps door locked or closed, won't let people in.
As I keep telling my visiting teacher - just scan the obits and if you don't see me there, I'm good.

Paranoia -- suspiciousness.
Hang on a sec - there's a car coming up the road. I'm gonna go shoot at it.

Secretive or suspicious behavior.
Couldn't get a clean shot, and the car got away. We're moving.

Chronic dishonesty; trouble with police.
Sorry, my 'community relations' with da po-po's always been this way, even before yarn. (Got no reason to lie about it.)

Unexplained need for money; can't explain where money goes; stealing.
I fully explain what the money's for and where it goes. It goes into bins and closets full of yarn and stuff.

Unusual effort to cover arms, legs.
Oh, now this is just a cheap shot. One can only knit so many hats.

Change in personal grooming habits.
Hey, if daddy can sit at work and scratch his rear end with a pen, why do I take flak for doing it with a sock needle?

Possession of drug paraphernalia.
Only enough for my needs. Besides, you wouldn't begrudge a little old lady her needles, crochet hooks, looms, sweater machines, sock machines, drum carders, spinning wheels, and niddy-noddies, would you? (Stupid hubby won't let us get cahsmere goats.)

So, there you go. Obviously no problem at all.


Monday, April 27, 2009

Swine Flu and My Idiot Husband

I'm gonna kill him. I've been nagging for what, a year now, to just fork over the dollars for just a halfway decent minefield. Nothing fancy mind you - I don't need a ton of surveilance cameras and 20' tall gates topped with barbed wire. I mean really - what's the point of filling up the basement with supplies to survive the millenium and moving out into the middle of nowhere, if you're just gonna lose it all to the first wave of unwashed zombie hoardes that washes by?

Well, he's put it off and put it off, and now when the hoardes come knockin', they'll be leaving their stupid swine flu germs all over the place. Now suddenly, it ain't just enough to shoot a few of em and hang them from poles as a warning to others. No, now you gotta get all dolled up in a disposable hazard suit when you're moving the bodies, and then wipe down the whole 5 friggin' acres with bleach! I swear, I'm about to cuss.

Ew! I mean, just ew! I mean, it was bad enough when we just had to Shovel Shoot and Shuddup. Now we gotta worry about the stupid flu virus too?

That's all for now. I gotta go get something heavy to throw at him when he gets home.

[Edit: Aw, man - what a sweetie! We're set - suits, masks, gloves, biohazard disposal bags, tamiflu, bleach, - the whole 9 yards. Turns out, he'd had 'em delivered to the neighbor's house, and has been smuggling them in at night after I went to bed. He said he was waiting for Christmas to show me. He really is my little kissiebunnyhubbie. And get this - he even got some little kid sized suits - IN PINK! We're climbing into them now, to do a trial run for more ammo at the WalMart. He's still cryin' from the 9" cast iron 'welcome home' I gave him, but I'll bandage him up when we get home tonight and then see if a little sugar improves his mood any.]


Thursday, April 23, 2009

Detroit chick power!

Maybe this story is a little 5 minutes ago, but I never pass up an opportunity to claim superiority over a liberal bra burner.

Detroit woman's underwire bra deflects bullet
The metal underwire in a Detroit woman's bra was credited with deflecting a bullet fired at her during a break-in at a neighbor's home.

We ain't in the market for bullet proof vests until hubby gets his Christmas bonus program up and running again. But I guess we can go buy a few of what she was wearing, and add them to our food storage.

(No jokes about garments today. Bishop is still watchin' us pretty close after the incident at the stake preparadness expo. I still say an impromptu live-fire exercise is a great way to urge people to prepare. But apparently some of the pear-shaped suits thought coming down off their adrenalin dump made the spirit flee.)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Happy Earth Day!

What better way to celebrate the blessed event of earth day, than to sit around and discuss gospel topics with some of the Relief Society sisters.

We're a pretty diverse bunch, with opinions all over the spectrum. Like when we were talking about which Book of Mormon character we'd like to be married to. Shauna-Mae of course picked the Stripling Warriors. Any of the Stripling Warriors. Possibly more than one. (We told her polygamy didn't work that way.)

Tina and her mom both said no way, look at who these guys' parents were. Men come with in-laws, and those people were extreme liberals.

...they took their swords, and all the weapons which were used for the shedding of man’s blood, and they did bury them up deep in the earth. ...rather than shed the blood of their brethren they would give up their own lives;

I mean seriously - how many medicinal marijuana prescriptions did these people run through to come up with that grand plan? News flash for the people arguing over Book of Mormon geography - this event obviously happened in California! Gee - I wonder what becomes of these people? We do find out. Not in the next book, not a few chapters later, but THREE FRIGGIN VERSES LATER!

...the Lamanites began to fall upon them, and began to slay them with the sword. And thus without meeting any resistance, they did slay a thousand and five of them.

Well duh. You didn't need a seer-stone to see that one a'coming.

But they didn't all die though. Apparently some of them were off voting for Obama or getting same-sex married to each other in Vermont or something. Anyway, there were enough strait survivors to give birth to the stripling warriors.

I said I'd rather be married to one of the attacking Lamanites. I could have given my hubby the day off and used those peacenicks for target practice. I have a hard time getting enough range time anyway, what with homeschoolin' the two rugrats and keeping house and all.

Then we all went out back and properly celebrated Earth Day by plinking away at caffiene-free diet soda cans stacked up on the pasture fence. I was kickin' butt until the county Sheriff showed up. Stupid neighbors - don't they know anything about free exercise of religion?

[Message sent from Aimee's Blackberry from the back of Ralph's squad car while he argues with the Chief about wether or not he should bring me in again.]