Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Absolutely nothing happened again.

Today on the University of Texas campus at Austin, nothing happened. 19 yr old Colton Tooley DIDN'T appear on campus wearing a ski mask and carrying an assault rifle. He DIDN'T fire three times towards a church, and he DIDN'T fire three more times in the air. Police DIDN'T have to chase him off the street into the Perry-Castaneda Library, where he DIDN'T shoot himself to death.

You see, none of these things happened, because UT Austin has a no firearms policy.

The following weapons are prohibited:
Explosive weapons
Machine guns
Short-barreled firearms
Firearm silencer
Switchblade knifes
Armor-piercing ammunition
Chemical dispensing devices
Zip gun
Club or night stick,
Illegal knives

I dunno - maybe Colton got confused that they mentioned both firearms and machine guns - perhaps an assault rifle is neither, and therefore allowed? Maybe he figured his ammunition was ok because it wasn't armor piercing.

Surely, Colton never ever ever would have violated law or school policy. That's why we have laws and policies, right?

Friday, September 17, 2010

Stuff to do during General Conference weekend

Yes sisters, it's here again. The semi-annual LDS event where we extend a hand of fellowship to the 7th day Adventists by going to church on Saturday as well as Sunday. It's a great time to mark the changing seasons, prep for winter, and get into family squabbles. Come on then, this only happens once every six months! Get a move on!

My checklist includes:

* Hook internet up to comm system, blast over speakers.

* Grab Bug-out-bags, Get-home-bag, Stay-put-bag, and other such kits. Dump contents out on living room floor. Engage in traditional orgy of eating all the perishables. Get new perishables. Pack everything back up.

* Sharpen all knives, test all batteries, dump & fill drinking water cistern.

* Rotate or sta-bil gas and diesel storage. Check kerosene and propane storage. Locate and check seals on buried hoard.

* Test GetOutOfDodge plan after Sat session: April conference: retreat 1. October conference: backup retreat.

* After the talk on family togetherness, argue about getting along.

* Inventory food storage. Berate husband for not cooking more. Make husband clean up broken bottle of cannery salsa accidentally thrown at his stupid fat head.

* Vaccum LP/OP.

* Demand budget from husband to wallpaper gun room with that pink floral pattern I saw at Lowes.

* Switch landmines from summer-soil triggers to winter-soil triggers.

* Sit on the front porch during sessions and play the gunowner's version of the drinking game.
- Shoot target every time you hear "brothers and sisters", "endure", and "pornography".
- Empty clip vigorously every time a female voice says "precious", "virtuous", "lives of meaning and fulfilment", or "backrub".
- Swear loudly every time a female voice says "support", "encourage", "husband", or "his needs".
- Go full auto when you hear "debt", "self-reliance", "safe home environment", "defend against", or any mention of armed conflict.
- In the unlikely event they pull out the Brigham Young quotes about sending the enemy to hell cross-lots or women carrying a gun, or that Joseph Smith quote about people not defending their families being cowards and bastards, you can toss a grenade or fire the bazooka.