Monday, April 27, 2009

Swine Flu and My Idiot Husband

I'm gonna kill him. I've been nagging for what, a year now, to just fork over the dollars for just a halfway decent minefield. Nothing fancy mind you - I don't need a ton of surveilance cameras and 20' tall gates topped with barbed wire. I mean really - what's the point of filling up the basement with supplies to survive the millenium and moving out into the middle of nowhere, if you're just gonna lose it all to the first wave of unwashed zombie hoardes that washes by?

Well, he's put it off and put it off, and now when the hoardes come knockin', they'll be leaving their stupid swine flu germs all over the place. Now suddenly, it ain't just enough to shoot a few of em and hang them from poles as a warning to others. No, now you gotta get all dolled up in a disposable hazard suit when you're moving the bodies, and then wipe down the whole 5 friggin' acres with bleach! I swear, I'm about to cuss.

Ew! I mean, just ew! I mean, it was bad enough when we just had to Shovel Shoot and Shuddup. Now we gotta worry about the stupid flu virus too?

That's all for now. I gotta go get something heavy to throw at him when he gets home.

[Edit: Aw, man - what a sweetie! We're set - suits, masks, gloves, biohazard disposal bags, tamiflu, bleach, - the whole 9 yards. Turns out, he'd had 'em delivered to the neighbor's house, and has been smuggling them in at night after I went to bed. He said he was waiting for Christmas to show me. He really is my little kissiebunnyhubbie. And get this - he even got some little kid sized suits - IN PINK! We're climbing into them now, to do a trial run for more ammo at the WalMart. He's still cryin' from the 9" cast iron 'welcome home' I gave him, but I'll bandage him up when we get home tonight and then see if a little sugar improves his mood any.]


Thursday, April 23, 2009

Detroit chick power!

Maybe this story is a little 5 minutes ago, but I never pass up an opportunity to claim superiority over a liberal bra burner.

Detroit woman's underwire bra deflects bullet
The metal underwire in a Detroit woman's bra was credited with deflecting a bullet fired at her during a break-in at a neighbor's home.

We ain't in the market for bullet proof vests until hubby gets his Christmas bonus program up and running again. But I guess we can go buy a few of what she was wearing, and add them to our food storage.

(No jokes about garments today. Bishop is still watchin' us pretty close after the incident at the stake preparadness expo. I still say an impromptu live-fire exercise is a great way to urge people to prepare. But apparently some of the pear-shaped suits thought coming down off their adrenalin dump made the spirit flee.)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Happy Earth Day!

What better way to celebrate the blessed event of earth day, than to sit around and discuss gospel topics with some of the Relief Society sisters.

We're a pretty diverse bunch, with opinions all over the spectrum. Like when we were talking about which Book of Mormon character we'd like to be married to. Shauna-Mae of course picked the Stripling Warriors. Any of the Stripling Warriors. Possibly more than one. (We told her polygamy didn't work that way.)

Tina and her mom both said no way, look at who these guys' parents were. Men come with in-laws, and those people were extreme liberals.

...they took their swords, and all the weapons which were used for the shedding of man’s blood, and they did bury them up deep in the earth. ...rather than shed the blood of their brethren they would give up their own lives;

I mean seriously - how many medicinal marijuana prescriptions did these people run through to come up with that grand plan? News flash for the people arguing over Book of Mormon geography - this event obviously happened in California! Gee - I wonder what becomes of these people? We do find out. Not in the next book, not a few chapters later, but THREE FRIGGIN VERSES LATER!

...the Lamanites began to fall upon them, and began to slay them with the sword. And thus without meeting any resistance, they did slay a thousand and five of them.

Well duh. You didn't need a seer-stone to see that one a'coming.

But they didn't all die though. Apparently some of them were off voting for Obama or getting same-sex married to each other in Vermont or something. Anyway, there were enough strait survivors to give birth to the stripling warriors.

I said I'd rather be married to one of the attacking Lamanites. I could have given my hubby the day off and used those peacenicks for target practice. I have a hard time getting enough range time anyway, what with homeschoolin' the two rugrats and keeping house and all.

Then we all went out back and properly celebrated Earth Day by plinking away at caffiene-free diet soda cans stacked up on the pasture fence. I was kickin' butt until the county Sheriff showed up. Stupid neighbors - don't they know anything about free exercise of religion?

[Message sent from Aimee's Blackberry from the back of Ralph's squad car while he argues with the Chief about wether or not he should bring me in again.]