Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas

Christmas isn't just over-commercialized, it's over-commercialized in the wrong direction. Back in the good old days, you could still find some appropriate ads. From

I used that same reasoning with idiot hubby last Christmas.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Absolutely nothing happened again.

Today on the University of Texas campus at Austin, nothing happened. 19 yr old Colton Tooley DIDN'T appear on campus wearing a ski mask and carrying an assault rifle. He DIDN'T fire three times towards a church, and he DIDN'T fire three more times in the air. Police DIDN'T have to chase him off the street into the Perry-Castaneda Library, where he DIDN'T shoot himself to death.

You see, none of these things happened, because UT Austin has a no firearms policy.

The following weapons are prohibited:
Explosive weapons
Machine guns
Short-barreled firearms
Firearm silencer
Switchblade knifes
Armor-piercing ammunition
Chemical dispensing devices
Zip gun
Club or night stick,
Illegal knives

I dunno - maybe Colton got confused that they mentioned both firearms and machine guns - perhaps an assault rifle is neither, and therefore allowed? Maybe he figured his ammunition was ok because it wasn't armor piercing.

Surely, Colton never ever ever would have violated law or school policy. That's why we have laws and policies, right?

Friday, September 17, 2010

Stuff to do during General Conference weekend

Yes sisters, it's here again. The semi-annual LDS event where we extend a hand of fellowship to the 7th day Adventists by going to church on Saturday as well as Sunday. It's a great time to mark the changing seasons, prep for winter, and get into family squabbles. Come on then, this only happens once every six months! Get a move on!

My checklist includes:

* Hook internet up to comm system, blast over speakers.

* Grab Bug-out-bags, Get-home-bag, Stay-put-bag, and other such kits. Dump contents out on living room floor. Engage in traditional orgy of eating all the perishables. Get new perishables. Pack everything back up.

* Sharpen all knives, test all batteries, dump & fill drinking water cistern.

* Rotate or sta-bil gas and diesel storage. Check kerosene and propane storage. Locate and check seals on buried hoard.

* Test GetOutOfDodge plan after Sat session: April conference: retreat 1. October conference: backup retreat.

* After the talk on family togetherness, argue about getting along.

* Inventory food storage. Berate husband for not cooking more. Make husband clean up broken bottle of cannery salsa accidentally thrown at his stupid fat head.

* Vaccum LP/OP.

* Demand budget from husband to wallpaper gun room with that pink floral pattern I saw at Lowes.

* Switch landmines from summer-soil triggers to winter-soil triggers.

* Sit on the front porch during sessions and play the gunowner's version of the drinking game.
- Shoot target every time you hear "brothers and sisters", "endure", and "pornography".
- Empty clip vigorously every time a female voice says "precious", "virtuous", "lives of meaning and fulfilment", or "backrub".
- Swear loudly every time a female voice says "support", "encourage", "husband", or "his needs".
- Go full auto when you hear "debt", "self-reliance", "safe home environment", "defend against", or any mention of armed conflict.
- In the unlikely event they pull out the Brigham Young quotes about sending the enemy to hell cross-lots or women carrying a gun, or that Joseph Smith quote about people not defending their families being cowards and bastards, you can toss a grenade or fire the bazooka.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Sacrament meeting talk

"There's no way you'll be able to kill all those dandilions," my idiot hubby said. "Look at 'em all - you'll be at this all day and never make a difference!"

I pulled one out by the roots, holding it up to the sun to wither and die. "It matters to this one!" I said, throwing it at his ugly face.

I think I'll dump a wheelbarrow of thistle on his side of the bed too. I mean, if there's no cashmere goat to eat them, we've gotta dispose of them somehow, right?

Monday, April 26, 2010


Dang. I don't think I've laughed so hard in years. By far, the best Earth Day ever, hands down. The kids and I made Daddy clean the sludge out of the septic tank, while we watched (from upwind of course). Looked like he was enjoyin' himself too much, so I had the oldest sneak up and push him in. Those things are deep!

Great accoustics though. I told him he had to put on a pink tutu and sing "I'm a little teapot" and do the moves before I got the ladder. Then it looked like it was going to snow, so I put the cement cap on and told him it was to protect him from the blizzard. I figured he'd like that - he's wanted a storm cellar for years.

Then the kids and I headed in for some proper Earth Day coloring projects:

Now THAT'S Homeschoolin'!

(Oh - since it's Monday and Earth Day was last Thursday, guess I better let hubby out. Or at least toss him a few MRE's.)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Provident living

From the church's new(ish) Family Home Storage pamphlet:
Dear Brothers and Sisters:
Our Heavenly Father created this beautiful earth, with all its abundance,
for our benefit and use. His purpose is to provide for our needs as we walk in faith and obedience. He has lovingly commanded us to “prepare every needful thing” (see D&C 109:8) so that, should adversity come, we may care for ourselves and our neighbors and support bishops as they care for others.

Out here in the fairly-remote windswept hinterlands, the soil ain't that good. Infuriating hubby keeps wrinkling his nose at obtaining cashmere goats for the yarn. The zoning board ruled against our ammunition factory. So we gather what we can.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

"Which Book of Mormon Character would you like to meet"

I'd like to meet Coriantumr, and talk him into letting me take his place against Shiz. And Shiz would be all "come unto me that I may slay thee" and I'd be all wearing my shades and saying "I don't think so". And he'd be all "you shall pay dearly for your brash foolishness" and I'd be all "Hey, I just opened up a can of it for ya - come get it!". And he'd be all "thy head shall part from thy body ere the noonbell rings" and I'd be all "I hear yo' mamma got her noonbell rang in Gamorrah" and he'd be all runnin' at me yelling "AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!" and I'd get all up in his grillz and be all kung-fooey on him. And he'd be all "thou hast dealt me a painful blow" and I'd be all "It's supposed to hurt, it's a butt-kickin'" and he'd be all throwin' sand in my face like a coward and I'd be all staggerin' around goin' "thou hast used a mongrel trick against me". And he'd be all "Time to bust a cap in ya'" and I'd be all "Hey, I thought I was the smack talker and you was the old ancient guy - hey look - the Harlot Isabel!" and he'd be all "What? Where?" and slickin' his hair back and I'd bury my boot in his situpon up to the fourth knuckle. Then I'd cut his head off too.

That'd be cool.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

One outta five ain't bad

It just slays me, that some day soon, my spawn will cast their righteous lines into a lake that produces fish such as these first four:

Of course, the last one gives me hope. You go girl - keep plodding forward against the raging storm! Way to show that not every person produced by them institutes of higher larnin' is a bedwetting handwringer like my husband.


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Absolutely nothing happened

The other day, a man apparently angry over a poor performance evaluation entered an Ohio State University maintenance building and DID NOT open fire, NOT killing a manager before NOT turning the gun on himself, police said.

See, Ohio State has a policy against such things happening:

Firearms and Weapons Policy

No person shall be permitted to carry or possess a concealed or unconcealed firearm, weapon, or other hazardous materials on the university campus, other premises owned or within the control of the university, or at functions sponsored or sanctioned by the university. Items covered by this policy include, but are not limited to the following:

Guns and firearms of all types

Sure is a good thing they had that policy in place! Otherwise someone might get hurt!

But anyway, if someone actually decided to [gasp] violate this policy and bring a gun on campus, Ohio State's "Dealing with Disruptive and Distressed Individuals" policy should handle things just fine:

How should I deal with a disruptive person?

Disruptive behavior should not be ignored. Remain calm. Remind yourself that it is not about you, it is about the situation. Tell the individual that such behavior is inappropriate. Inform the individual that there are consequences for failing to improve the disruptive behavior. Many disruptive situations involve anger. Recognize that the period of peak anger usually lasts 20-30 seconds.

Although this may feel like an eternity in the throes of the situation, often it is best to “wait it out” before progressing. Remember to keep your supervisor or department chair apprised.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Girl Scouts

It took forever to find a like-minded troop in the area, but patience is a virtue. These kids have a way to go, but they're off to a good start. My 9 yr old taught 'trigger control' on Tuesday - they did pretty well. Next week is muzzle control - no more rookie mistakes like that one on the right:

Beats sellin' cookies any day of the week.

[Edit - y'all can't believe the fan mail this picture generated! I post here for one basic reason - to get people to keep their distance from me. Since now there's talk about callin' the law on us, I guess I have to break with tradition and say something totally true AND totally bereft of any artistic embellishment. So here it is: No, these aren't my kids. They're not kids that my kids play with. I've never met anyone in this picture. I lifted it off the internet.

Now if you'll excuse me, my smart-alec lawyer has overstayed his welcome, and I need to run him off my property.]