Stuff to do during General Conference weekend

Yes sisters, it's here again. The semi-annual LDS event where we extend a hand of fellowship to the 7th day Adventists by going to church on Saturday as well as Sunday. It's a great time to mark the changing seasons, prep for winter, and get into family squabbles. Come on then, this only happens once every six months! Get a move on!

My checklist includes:

* Hook internet up to comm system, blast lds.org over speakers.

* Grab Bug-out-bags, Get-home-bag, Stay-put-bag, and other such kits. Dump contents out on living room floor. Engage in traditional orgy of eating all the perishables. Get new perishables. Pack everything back up.

* Sharpen all knives, test all batteries, dump & fill drinking water cistern.

* Rotate or sta-bil gas and diesel storage. Check kerosene and propane storage. Locate and check seals on buried hoard.

* Test GetOutOfDodge plan after Sat session: April conference: retreat 1. October conference: backup retreat.

* After the talk on family togetherness, argue about getting along.

* Inventory food storage. Berate husband for not cooking more. Make husband clean up broken bottle of cannery salsa accidentally thrown at his stupid fat head.

* Vaccum LP/OP.

* Demand budget from husband to wallpaper gun room with that pink floral pattern I saw at Lowes.

* Switch landmines from summer-soil triggers to winter-soil triggers.

* Sit on the front porch during sessions and play the gunowner's version of the drinking game.

- Shoot target every time you hear "brothers and sisters", "endure", and "pornography".
- Empty clip vigorously every time a female voice says "precious", "virtuous", "lives of meaning and fulfilment", or "backrub".
- Swear loudly every time a female voice says "support", "encourage", "husband", or "his needs".
- Go full auto when you hear "debt", "self-reliance", "safe home environment", "defend against", or any mention of armed conflict.
- In the unlikely event they pull out the Brigham Young quotes about sending the enemy to hell cross-lots or women carrying a gun, or that Joseph Smith quote about people not defending their families being cowards and bastards, you can toss a grenade or fire the bazooka.

URF DAY!

Dang. I don't think I've laughed so hard in years. By far, the best Earth Day ever, hands down. The kids and I made Daddy clean the sludge out of the septic tank, while we watched (from upwind of course). Looked like he was enjoyin' himself too much, so I had the oldest sneak up and push him in. Those things are deep!

Great accoustics though. I told him he had to put on a pink tutu and sing "I'm a little teapot" and do the moves before I got the ladder. Then it looked like it was going to snow, so I put the cement cap on and told him it was to protect him from the blizzard. I figured he'd like that - he's wanted a storm cellar for years.

Then the kids and I headed in for some proper Earth Day coloring projects:



Now THAT'S Homeschoolin'!

(Oh - since it's Monday and Earth Day was last Thursday, guess I better let hubby out. Or at least toss him a few MRE's.)

A feel-good email I can get behind

Dang. If all the warm-fuzzy smarmy pink feel-good emails from [distant lady relative whoever] or [syrupy evangelical email pal X] were of this stripe, my hubby would spend a lot less time replacing computer monitors with bullet holes in them.

None of that 'Sis'-sy Stuff
Are you tired of those
sissy 'friendship' poems
that always sound good,
but never actually come close
to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises

that actually speak of

True Friendship.

1. When you are sad,
I will jump on the person
who made you sad
like a spider monkey
jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

2. When you are blue,
I will try to dislodge
whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile,
I will know you are
plotting something
that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared,
we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried,
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse
it could be until you
quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused,
I will use little words.

7. When you are sick,
Stay away from me
until you are well again.
I don't want whatever you have...

8. When you fall,
I'll pick you up
and dust you off--
After I laugh my rear off!!

9. This is my oath...
I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask;
-- because you are my FRIEND!

***********************
Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it,
but only YOU
can feel the
true warmth.

**********************

Try sending this to
10
of your closest friends ..
including the person
who sent this to you ...

Then, get depressed
'cause you can only think of
4!

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I don't want any part of it.

I had my fill of melodramatic stories of popular icons, after reading the Howard Hughes biography. So forgive me if I pass on the next decade's worth of MJ's heirs suing each other, book deals from those who knew him best, fictionalized bios, unauthorized bios, authorized bios, "where are they now" stories of his neverland kids, and social commentary from every angle wrapped up as a story about MJ. (Yes, I realize this post is an example of that last one. Bite me.)

I guess I should be glad that MJ will steal some of Elvis' thunder in the sightings and cheap artwork departments. But his litigious heirs and designates have a hundred years of learning on how to cash in, so we're gonna get re-deluged with MJ pink flannel nightwear, tacky battery powered dancing Santas who shake their booties to Billie Jean, counter-culture anti-MJ comic books, and Thriller brand Haloween makeup. Drop the Grace and add the Never - heck, it better fits the worldview anyway. I do not intend to partake.

At least there were evil conspiring Mormons in the Hughes bio.

Yay! Free cars!

I thought it was real nice, GM becoming more diverse and culturally inclusive by making a Kenyan their CEO. I didn't know Kenya knew anything about making cars, but apparently this guy has studied abroad, or something. Anyway, he ought to be open to ideas on what kind of cars to make, so here goes:

* Since GM has an Enterprise Value of 43 billion, and carries 54 billion in debt, our little family's share of ownership is roughly 700 bucks in the hole. Therefore, whatever car they end up foisting on us, should come with a $700 check just to make it a square deal.

* The new car should come with it's own federal legislation making it illegal to operate if you are not armed. That way, there'll be less people in my way as I haul the rugrats from activity to activity.

* It should come in pink.

* It should run on change.

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Swine Flu and My Idiot Husband

I'm gonna kill him. I've been nagging for what, a year now, to just fork over the dollars for just a halfway decent minefield. Nothing fancy mind you - I don't need a ton of surveilance cameras and 20' tall gates topped with barbed wire. I mean really - what's the point of filling up the basement with supplies to survive the millenium and moving out into the middle of nowhere, if you're just gonna lose it all to the first wave of unwashed zombie hoardes that washes by?

Well, he's put it off and put it off, and now when the hoardes come knockin', they'll be leaving their stupid swine flu germs all over the place. Now suddenly, it ain't just enough to shoot a few of em and hang them from poles as a warning to others. No, now you gotta get all dolled up in a disposable hazard suit when you're moving the bodies, and then wipe down the whole 5 friggin' acres with bleach! I swear, I'm about to cuss.


Ew! I mean, just ew! I mean, it was bad enough when we just had to Shovel Shoot and Shuddup. Now we gotta worry about the stupid flu virus too?




That's all for now. I gotta go get something heavy to throw at him when he gets home.



[Edit: Aw, man - what a sweetie! We're set - suits, masks, gloves, biohazard disposal bags, tamiflu, bleach, - the whole 9 yards. Turns out, he'd had 'em delivered to the neighbor's house, and has been smuggling them in at night after I went to bed. He said he was waiting for Christmas to show me. He really is my little kissiebunnyhubbie. And get this - he even got some little kid sized suits - IN PINK! We're climbing into them now, to do a trial run for more ammo at the WalMart. He's still cryin' from the 9" cast iron 'welcome home' I gave him, but I'll bandage him up when we get home tonight and then see if a little sugar improves his mood any.]


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