Sacrament meeting talk

"There's no way you'll be able to kill all those dandilions," my idiot hubby said. "Look at 'em all - you'll be at this all day and never make a difference!"

I pulled one out by the roots, holding it up to the sun to wither and die. "It matters to this one!" I said, throwing it at his ugly face.

I think I'll dump a wheelbarrow of thistle on his side of the bed too. I mean, if there's no cashmere goat to eat them, we've gotta dispose of them somehow, right?

A feel-good email I can get behind

Dang. If all the warm-fuzzy smarmy pink feel-good emails from [distant lady relative whoever] or [syrupy evangelical email pal X] were of this stripe, my hubby would spend a lot less time replacing computer monitors with bullet holes in them.

None of that 'Sis'-sy Stuff
Are you tired of those
sissy 'friendship' poems
that always sound good,
but never actually come close
to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises

that actually speak of

True Friendship.

1. When you are sad,
I will jump on the person
who made you sad
like a spider monkey
jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

2. When you are blue,
I will try to dislodge
whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile,
I will know you are
plotting something
that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared,
we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried,
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse
it could be until you
quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused,
I will use little words.

7. When you are sick,
Stay away from me
until you are well again.
I don't want whatever you have...

8. When you fall,
I'll pick you up
and dust you off--
After I laugh my rear off!!

9. This is my oath...
I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask;
-- because you are my FRIEND!

***********************
Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it,
but only YOU
can feel the
true warmth.

**********************

Try sending this to
10
of your closest friends ..
including the person
who sent this to you ...

Then, get depressed
'cause you can only think of
4!

.

Harmony

We have a duty to share the Gospel.
My hubby has a duty to keep annoying people the heck away from me.
Why not kill two birds with one stone?

I don't want any part of it.

I had my fill of melodramatic stories of popular icons, after reading the Howard Hughes biography. So forgive me if I pass on the next decade's worth of MJ's heirs suing each other, book deals from those who knew him best, fictionalized bios, unauthorized bios, authorized bios, "where are they now" stories of his neverland kids, and social commentary from every angle wrapped up as a story about MJ. (Yes, I realize this post is an example of that last one. Bite me.)

I guess I should be glad that MJ will steal some of Elvis' thunder in the sightings and cheap artwork departments. But his litigious heirs and designates have a hundred years of learning on how to cash in, so we're gonna get re-deluged with MJ pink flannel nightwear, tacky battery powered dancing Santas who shake their booties to Billie Jean, counter-culture anti-MJ comic books, and Thriller brand Haloween makeup. Drop the Grace and add the Never - heck, it better fits the worldview anyway. I do not intend to partake.

At least there were evil conspiring Mormons in the Hughes bio.

The crush of urban sprawl

I hate it. The world is just too full of people. And every year that marches by, I have to see more and more of them.

So, this was the view out our back door when we moved here a few years ago:


This was the view last week, after a few years of city folk coming in and paving everything in sight:


We're moving.

.

Queen of the Doomer meme

Some folks like to talk about EMP bursts, pandemic quarantines, economic collapses, global famine, food rioters, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, relatives coming to visit, civil war, or any other natural or manmade disaster that results in the rapid and massive breakdown of social order. Call 'em SHTF scenarios or TEOTWAWKI or whatever you want, they're all the same as a Zombie uprising to me. Just another dang reason for people to show up on my doorstep and annoy me.

Look people, I don't care if you're on fire. I don't care if Obama won a 2nd term and half the states are seceding and the other half are declaring martial law. I realize that you don't get forcibly relocated to a FEMA camp every day, but why do you feel the need to come whine at me about it?


Top 10 responses to "Oh, if something bad happens, I'll just come to your house!"

10. Not without six months of your own supplies, you won't.

9. Yeah, your family means so little to you, I'll be sure to pick up your slack. Why don't you bring all your credit card debt while you're at it.

8. Sweet! We needed a decoy to walk the wire and be the first person shot!

7. Just be sure you show up with a ladder. Not sure how many corpses you'll have to climb over.

6. I may give you the shirt off my back, but try to take it, and I can only spare half a buck worth of subsonic copper hollow-points.

5. Hey, bring all the barter goods you want - I love to haggle. A roll of TP will get you past the dogs.

4. Be sure to bring some good boots, cuz you'll be up to your ankles in horse crap earning your keep.

3. Fine by me. I hear people taste like chicken.

2. Make sure you come early - the first five help me shoot the next fifty.

#1 is a tie:

1. "Don't do that, Mommy will just shoot you and make Daddy bury you in the backyard." (Are my kids great or what?)

1. "What, you thought I was gonna bunker down somewhere people can find me?" (Note found in my empty house)

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Video proof of neglect and educational negligence!

Here's the product of some random anonymous homeschool group. I don't know any of these people in person, but I sure as heck am one of them.