Merry Christmas

Christmas isn't just over-commercialized, it's over-commercialized in the wrong direction. Back in the good old days, you could still find some appropriate ads. From adfreak.com

I used that same reasoning with idiot hubby last Christmas.

Stuff to do during General Conference weekend

Yes sisters, it's here again. The semi-annual LDS event where we extend a hand of fellowship to the 7th day Adventists by going to church on Saturday as well as Sunday. It's a great time to mark the changing seasons, prep for winter, and get into family squabbles. Come on then, this only happens once every six months! Get a move on!

My checklist includes:

* Hook internet up to comm system, blast lds.org over speakers.

* Grab Bug-out-bags, Get-home-bag, Stay-put-bag, and other such kits. Dump contents out on living room floor. Engage in traditional orgy of eating all the perishables. Get new perishables. Pack everything back up.

* Sharpen all knives, test all batteries, dump & fill drinking water cistern.

* Rotate or sta-bil gas and diesel storage. Check kerosene and propane storage. Locate and check seals on buried hoard.

* Test GetOutOfDodge plan after Sat session: April conference: retreat 1. October conference: backup retreat.

* After the talk on family togetherness, argue about getting along.

* Inventory food storage. Berate husband for not cooking more. Make husband clean up broken bottle of cannery salsa accidentally thrown at his stupid fat head.

* Vaccum LP/OP.

* Demand budget from husband to wallpaper gun room with that pink floral pattern I saw at Lowes.

* Switch landmines from summer-soil triggers to winter-soil triggers.

* Sit on the front porch during sessions and play the gunowner's version of the drinking game.

- Shoot target every time you hear "brothers and sisters", "endure", and "pornography".
- Empty clip vigorously every time a female voice says "precious", "virtuous", "lives of meaning and fulfilment", or "backrub".
- Swear loudly every time a female voice says "support", "encourage", "husband", or "his needs".
- Go full auto when you hear "debt", "self-reliance", "safe home environment", "defend against", or any mention of armed conflict.
- In the unlikely event they pull out the Brigham Young quotes about sending the enemy to hell cross-lots or women carrying a gun, or that Joseph Smith quote about people not defending their families being cowards and bastards, you can toss a grenade or fire the bazooka.

Sacrament meeting talk

"There's no way you'll be able to kill all those dandilions," my idiot hubby said. "Look at 'em all - you'll be at this all day and never make a difference!"

I pulled one out by the roots, holding it up to the sun to wither and die. "It matters to this one!" I said, throwing it at his ugly face.

I think I'll dump a wheelbarrow of thistle on his side of the bed too. I mean, if there's no cashmere goat to eat them, we've gotta dispose of them somehow, right?

Provident living

From the church's new(ish) Family Home Storage pamphlet:

Dear Brothers and Sisters:
Our Heavenly Father created this beautiful earth, with all its abundance,
for our benefit and use. His purpose is to provide for our needs as we walk in faith and obedience. He has lovingly commanded us to “prepare every needful thing” (see D&C 109:8) so that, should adversity come, we may care for ourselves and our neighbors and support bishops as they care for others.

Out here in the fairly-remote windswept hinterlands, the soil ain't that good. Infuriating hubby keeps wrinkling his nose at obtaining cashmere goats for the yarn. The zoning board ruled against our ammunition factory. So we gather what we can.

One outta five ain't bad

It just slays me, that some day soon, my spawn will cast their righteous lines into a lake that produces fish such as these first four:

Of course, the last one gives me hope. You go girl - keep plodding forward against the raging storm! Way to show that not every person produced by them institutes of higher larnin' is a bedwetting handwringer like my husband.


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Yarn is cheaper than crack!

Ok, just to shut my hubbby up, I'll comment on this, just this one time.

Drug addiction signs from AddictionCA.com:

Smell of substance on breath, body or clothes.
Currently, the bags of fiber are contained in the barn and processed in the basement. And since hubby doesn't have much of a sense of smell anyway, this one isn't much of an issue.

Needle marks or bruises on lower arm, legs or bottom of feet.
This is stupid. Yes, hubby keeps piercing his tootsies when walking around the house in his socks. But that's because we don't clean, not because I'm addicted to yarn.

Car accidents, fender benders, household accidents.
Shut up. It ain't my fault if people don't give me a wide berth after they see me knitting at the red light.

Changes in friends: new hang-outs, avoidance of old crowd, new friends are drug users.
Hah - I got this one beat. The new friends aren't knitters when I first meet them - it takes them a while to be trained.

Change in activities; loss of interest in things that were important before.
Hah - I win another one. I wouldn't be much of a knitter if I hadn't figured out how to knit:
At church, homeschool co-op, doctors offices, and while doing stuff on the computer.
At friend's houses, while playing games, in the line at the DMV, at movies.
While shopping, in the check out line, while cooking, while eating at home, while eating out.
In Airport shuttles and Taxis, moving airport walkways, planes, trains, a paddlewheel boat, the Zoo tram, and of course in cars (either as a driver or a passenger).

The activities haven't changed - just the experience enhanced.

Drop in school or work performance; skips or is late to school or work.
Got another one beat! Don't work outside the home, don't go to school.

Changes in habits at home; loss of interest in family and family activities.
If one never had much interest in one's hubby in the first place, one can hardly blame one for not increasing one's interest in one's hubby just because one has harkened to the sweet, sweet call of the yarn ball.

Difficulty in paying attention; forgetfulness.
(knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, kn-) What? Why am I sitting here at this computer typing crap? And where did my other yarn project go?

Lack of motivation, energy, self-esteem, discipline. Bored, "I don't care" attitude.
Meh. If I felt like getting up, I'd come over there and [falls asleep].

Violent temper or bizarre behavior.
Defensiveness, temper tantrums, resentful behavior (everything's a hassle).
Anyone who knows me, knows I never come within a mile of these unrefined issues.

Unexplained silliness or giddiness.
Unexplained moodiness, irritability, or nervousness.
Wait - is this a quiz about drugs, yarn, or bein' a chick?

Excessive need for privacy; keeps door locked or closed, won't let people in.
As I keep telling my visiting teacher - just scan the obits and if you don't see me there, I'm good.

Paranoia -- suspiciousness.
Hang on a sec - there's a car coming up the road. I'm gonna go shoot at it.

Secretive or suspicious behavior.
Couldn't get a clean shot, and the car got away. We're moving.

Chronic dishonesty; trouble with police.
Sorry, my 'community relations' with da po-po's always been this way, even before yarn. (Got no reason to lie about it.)

Unexplained need for money; can't explain where money goes; stealing.
I fully explain what the money's for and where it goes. It goes into bins and closets full of yarn and stuff.

Unusual effort to cover arms, legs.
Oh, now this is just a cheap shot. One can only knit so many hats.

Change in personal grooming habits.
Hey, if daddy can sit at work and scratch his rear end with a pen, why do I take flak for doing it with a sock needle?

Possession of drug paraphernalia.
Only enough for my needs. Besides, you wouldn't begrudge a little old lady her needles, crochet hooks, looms, sweater machines, sock machines, drum carders, spinning wheels, and niddy-noddies, would you? (Stupid hubby won't let us get cahsmere goats.)

So, there you go. Obviously no problem at all.

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Swine Flu and My Idiot Husband

I'm gonna kill him. I've been nagging for what, a year now, to just fork over the dollars for just a halfway decent minefield. Nothing fancy mind you - I don't need a ton of surveilance cameras and 20' tall gates topped with barbed wire. I mean really - what's the point of filling up the basement with supplies to survive the millenium and moving out into the middle of nowhere, if you're just gonna lose it all to the first wave of unwashed zombie hoardes that washes by?

Well, he's put it off and put it off, and now when the hoardes come knockin', they'll be leaving their stupid swine flu germs all over the place. Now suddenly, it ain't just enough to shoot a few of em and hang them from poles as a warning to others. No, now you gotta get all dolled up in a disposable hazard suit when you're moving the bodies, and then wipe down the whole 5 friggin' acres with bleach! I swear, I'm about to cuss.


Ew! I mean, just ew! I mean, it was bad enough when we just had to Shovel Shoot and Shuddup. Now we gotta worry about the stupid flu virus too?




That's all for now. I gotta go get something heavy to throw at him when he gets home.



[Edit: Aw, man - what a sweetie! We're set - suits, masks, gloves, biohazard disposal bags, tamiflu, bleach, - the whole 9 yards. Turns out, he'd had 'em delivered to the neighbor's house, and has been smuggling them in at night after I went to bed. He said he was waiting for Christmas to show me. He really is my little kissiebunnyhubbie. And get this - he even got some little kid sized suits - IN PINK! We're climbing into them now, to do a trial run for more ammo at the WalMart. He's still cryin' from the 9" cast iron 'welcome home' I gave him, but I'll bandage him up when we get home tonight and then see if a little sugar improves his mood any.]


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