Stuff to do during General Conference weekend

Yes sisters, it's here again. The semi-annual LDS event where we extend a hand of fellowship to the 7th day Adventists by going to church on Saturday as well as Sunday. It's a great time to mark the changing seasons, prep for winter, and get into family squabbles. Come on then, this only happens once every six months! Get a move on!

My checklist includes:

* Hook internet up to comm system, blast lds.org over speakers.

* Grab Bug-out-bags, Get-home-bag, Stay-put-bag, and other such kits. Dump contents out on living room floor. Engage in traditional orgy of eating all the perishables. Get new perishables. Pack everything back up.

* Sharpen all knives, test all batteries, dump & fill drinking water cistern.

* Rotate or sta-bil gas and diesel storage. Check kerosene and propane storage. Locate and check seals on buried hoard.

* Test GetOutOfDodge plan after Sat session: April conference: retreat 1. October conference: backup retreat.

* After the talk on family togetherness, argue about getting along.

* Inventory food storage. Berate husband for not cooking more. Make husband clean up broken bottle of cannery salsa accidentally thrown at his stupid fat head.

* Vaccum LP/OP.

* Demand budget from husband to wallpaper gun room with that pink floral pattern I saw at Lowes.

* Switch landmines from summer-soil triggers to winter-soil triggers.

* Sit on the front porch during sessions and play the gunowner's version of the drinking game.

- Shoot target every time you hear "brothers and sisters", "endure", and "pornography".
- Empty clip vigorously every time a female voice says "precious", "virtuous", "lives of meaning and fulfilment", or "backrub".
- Swear loudly every time a female voice says "support", "encourage", "husband", or "his needs".
- Go full auto when you hear "debt", "self-reliance", "safe home environment", "defend against", or any mention of armed conflict.
- In the unlikely event they pull out the Brigham Young quotes about sending the enemy to hell cross-lots or women carrying a gun, or that Joseph Smith quote about people not defending their families being cowards and bastards, you can toss a grenade or fire the bazooka.

"Which Book of Mormon Character would you like to meet"

I'd like to meet Coriantumr, and talk him into letting me take his place against Shiz. And Shiz would be all "come unto me that I may slay thee" and I'd be all wearing my shades and saying "I don't think so". And he'd be all "you shall pay dearly for your brash foolishness" and I'd be all "Hey, I just opened up a can of it for ya - come get it!". And he'd be all "thy head shall part from thy body ere the noonbell rings" and I'd be all "I hear yo' mamma got her noonbell rang in Gamorrah" and he'd be all runnin' at me yelling "AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!" and I'd get all up in his grillz and be all kung-fooey on him. And he'd be all "thou hast dealt me a painful blow" and I'd be all "It's supposed to hurt, it's a butt-kickin'" and he'd be all throwin' sand in my face like a coward and I'd be all staggerin' around goin' "thou hast used a mongrel trick against me". And he'd be all "Time to bust a cap in ya'" and I'd be all "Hey, I thought I was the smack talker and you was the old ancient guy - hey look - the Harlot Isabel!" and he'd be all "What? Where?" and slickin' his hair back and I'd bury my boot in his situpon up to the fourth knuckle. Then I'd cut his head off too.

That'd be cool.

One outta five ain't bad

It just slays me, that some day soon, my spawn will cast their righteous lines into a lake that produces fish such as these first four:

Of course, the last one gives me hope. You go girl - keep plodding forward against the raging storm! Way to show that not every person produced by them institutes of higher larnin' is a bedwetting handwringer like my husband.


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Girl Scouts

It took forever to find a like-minded troop in the area, but patience is a virtue. These kids have a way to go, but they're off to a good start. My 9 yr old taught 'trigger control' on Tuesday - they did pretty well. Next week is muzzle control - no more rookie mistakes like that one on the right:



Beats sellin' cookies any day of the week.

[Edit - y'all can't believe the fan mail this picture generated! I post here for one basic reason - to get people to keep their distance from me. Since now there's talk about callin' the law on us, I guess I have to break with tradition and say something totally true AND totally bereft of any artistic embellishment. So here it is: No, these aren't my kids. They're not kids that my kids play with. I've never met anyone in this picture. I lifted it off the internet.

Now if you'll excuse me, my smart-alec lawyer has overstayed his welcome, and I need to run him off my property.]

Happy Earth Day!

What better way to celebrate the blessed event of earth day, than to sit around and discuss gospel topics with some of the Relief Society sisters.



We're a pretty diverse bunch, with opinions all over the spectrum. Like when we were talking about which Book of Mormon character we'd like to be married to. Shauna-Mae of course picked the Stripling Warriors. Any of the Stripling Warriors. Possibly more than one. (We told her polygamy didn't work that way.)

Tina and her mom both said no way, look at who these guys' parents were. Men come with in-laws, and those people were extreme liberals.

...they took their swords, and all the weapons which were used for the shedding of man’s blood, and they did bury them up deep in the earth. ...rather than shed the blood of their brethren they would give up their own lives;

I mean seriously - how many medicinal marijuana prescriptions did these people run through to come up with that grand plan? News flash for the people arguing over Book of Mormon geography - this event obviously happened in California! Gee - I wonder what becomes of these people? We do find out. Not in the next book, not a few chapters later, but THREE FRIGGIN VERSES LATER!

...the Lamanites began to fall upon them, and began to slay them with the sword. And thus without meeting any resistance, they did slay a thousand and five of them.

Well duh. You didn't need a seer-stone to see that one a'coming.

But they didn't all die though. Apparently some of them were off voting for Obama or getting same-sex married to each other in Vermont or something. Anyway, there were enough strait survivors to give birth to the stripling warriors.

I said I'd rather be married to one of the attacking Lamanites. I could have given my hubby the day off and used those peacenicks for target practice. I have a hard time getting enough range time anyway, what with homeschoolin' the two rugrats and keeping house and all.

Then we all went out back and properly celebrated Earth Day by plinking away at caffiene-free diet soda cans stacked up on the pasture fence. I was kickin' butt until the county Sheriff showed up. Stupid neighbors - don't they know anything about free exercise of religion?

[Message sent from Aimee's Blackberry from the back of Ralph's squad car while he argues with the Chief about wether or not he should bring me in again.]