Stuff to do during General Conference weekend

Yes sisters, it's here again. The semi-annual LDS event where we extend a hand of fellowship to the 7th day Adventists by going to church on Saturday as well as Sunday. It's a great time to mark the changing seasons, prep for winter, and get into family squabbles. Come on then, this only happens once every six months! Get a move on!

My checklist includes:

* Hook internet up to comm system, blast lds.org over speakers.

* Grab Bug-out-bags, Get-home-bag, Stay-put-bag, and other such kits. Dump contents out on living room floor. Engage in traditional orgy of eating all the perishables. Get new perishables. Pack everything back up.

* Sharpen all knives, test all batteries, dump & fill drinking water cistern.

* Rotate or sta-bil gas and diesel storage. Check kerosene and propane storage. Locate and check seals on buried hoard.

* Test GetOutOfDodge plan after Sat session: April conference: retreat 1. October conference: backup retreat.

* After the talk on family togetherness, argue about getting along.

* Inventory food storage. Berate husband for not cooking more. Make husband clean up broken bottle of cannery salsa accidentally thrown at his stupid fat head.

* Vaccum LP/OP.

* Demand budget from husband to wallpaper gun room with that pink floral pattern I saw at Lowes.

* Switch landmines from summer-soil triggers to winter-soil triggers.

* Sit on the front porch during sessions and play the gunowner's version of the drinking game.

- Shoot target every time you hear "brothers and sisters", "endure", and "pornography".
- Empty clip vigorously every time a female voice says "precious", "virtuous", "lives of meaning and fulfilment", or "backrub".
- Swear loudly every time a female voice says "support", "encourage", "husband", or "his needs".
- Go full auto when you hear "debt", "self-reliance", "safe home environment", "defend against", or any mention of armed conflict.
- In the unlikely event they pull out the Brigham Young quotes about sending the enemy to hell cross-lots or women carrying a gun, or that Joseph Smith quote about people not defending their families being cowards and bastards, you can toss a grenade or fire the bazooka.

URF DAY!

Dang. I don't think I've laughed so hard in years. By far, the best Earth Day ever, hands down. The kids and I made Daddy clean the sludge out of the septic tank, while we watched (from upwind of course). Looked like he was enjoyin' himself too much, so I had the oldest sneak up and push him in. Those things are deep!

Great accoustics though. I told him he had to put on a pink tutu and sing "I'm a little teapot" and do the moves before I got the ladder. Then it looked like it was going to snow, so I put the cement cap on and told him it was to protect him from the blizzard. I figured he'd like that - he's wanted a storm cellar for years.

Then the kids and I headed in for some proper Earth Day coloring projects:



Now THAT'S Homeschoolin'!

(Oh - since it's Monday and Earth Day was last Thursday, guess I better let hubby out. Or at least toss him a few MRE's.)

Queen of the Doomer meme

Some folks like to talk about EMP bursts, pandemic quarantines, economic collapses, global famine, food rioters, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, relatives coming to visit, civil war, or any other natural or manmade disaster that results in the rapid and massive breakdown of social order. Call 'em SHTF scenarios or TEOTWAWKI or whatever you want, they're all the same as a Zombie uprising to me. Just another dang reason for people to show up on my doorstep and annoy me.

Look people, I don't care if you're on fire. I don't care if Obama won a 2nd term and half the states are seceding and the other half are declaring martial law. I realize that you don't get forcibly relocated to a FEMA camp every day, but why do you feel the need to come whine at me about it?


Top 10 responses to "Oh, if something bad happens, I'll just come to your house!"

10. Not without six months of your own supplies, you won't.

9. Yeah, your family means so little to you, I'll be sure to pick up your slack. Why don't you bring all your credit card debt while you're at it.

8. Sweet! We needed a decoy to walk the wire and be the first person shot!

7. Just be sure you show up with a ladder. Not sure how many corpses you'll have to climb over.

6. I may give you the shirt off my back, but try to take it, and I can only spare half a buck worth of subsonic copper hollow-points.

5. Hey, bring all the barter goods you want - I love to haggle. A roll of TP will get you past the dogs.

4. Be sure to bring some good boots, cuz you'll be up to your ankles in horse crap earning your keep.

3. Fine by me. I hear people taste like chicken.

2. Make sure you come early - the first five help me shoot the next fifty.

#1 is a tie:

1. "Don't do that, Mommy will just shoot you and make Daddy bury you in the backyard." (Are my kids great or what?)

1. "What, you thought I was gonna bunker down somewhere people can find me?" (Note found in my empty house)

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Detroit chick power!

Maybe this story is a little 5 minutes ago, but I never pass up an opportunity to claim superiority over a liberal bra burner.

Detroit woman's underwire bra deflects bullet

The metal underwire in a Detroit woman's bra was credited with deflecting a bullet fired at her during a break-in at a neighbor's home.

We ain't in the market for bullet proof vests until hubby gets his Christmas bonus program up and running again. But I guess we can go buy a few of what she was wearing, and add them to our food storage.

(No jokes about garments today. Bishop is still watchin' us pretty close after the incident at the stake preparadness expo. I still say an impromptu live-fire exercise is a great way to urge people to prepare. But apparently some of the pear-shaped suits thought coming down off their adrenalin dump made the spirit flee.)